I have decided to focus on self-acceptance as a way to ease myself into meditation again, that includes releasing feelings of judgment on why it took me so long to do this again or why is it so hard to sit for just 20min. If you’d like to do it too, self-acceptance then would be the word to keep coming back to when you feel yourself lost in your thoughts, especially ones in which you judge yourself.
I enjoy seeing things from a new perspective as if they were getting experienced for the first time. That’s how today’s meditation felt; and it is so humbling! It shows me I haven’t mastered it, and need to be humble enough to start all over again. Seeing things as new beginnings even if they are not makes everything actually brighter and more exciting! Just like waking up to a new day, letting go of what happened yesterday and not anticipating what will happen today, can be a thrilling experience; just try having an open mind and open heart as your day begins.
I managed to keep remembering the word self-acceptance so I could smile at myself when I noticed thoughts coming and getting me into them. I tried to apply no judgment and released thoughts, such as ‘Why are so many thoughts coming in?’, ‘Why is my rear end already tired from sitting if I just started?’, or ‘Ha! Your mind took you away with that thought.’ A constant thought that sneaked in many times was to go grab a bite of the food I made this morning and could still smell it. So maybe I should feed myself better before sitting for meditation. Yet having a full stomach does not help you meditate because it makes you a bit drowsy, wanting to drift off, like a post-lunch prostration.
Now, back to streams of thoughts, those probably went on for about 15min. For the last 5 min, I watched in awe as my mind presented some creative ideas for future classes of mine, and I saw them happening in a near future. All of a sudden, the bell rang and I jumped on my seat feeling startled.
Today, thoughts started to come and again I remembered to smile. I noticed how my smile really melts the tension in me, especially my face. Then, a memory came to me: On my wedding day, I was very tense. Not just because of the ceremony or how the event would go, but also because my father came to take me to the altar and, since he had provided me enough trouble in my life to make me nervous whenever I was around him, this tensed me all up. So, I entered this crowded church holding my father’s hand but looking very serious. And as I passed friends, saw them smiling at me, I wanted to return the smile, but every time I tried I could only make my cheeks tremble, expressing even more stress than my serious face already was… I realize now that it happened because the smile was coming up from the outside not from the inside. I wasn’t really smiling on my inside during those moments, instead I was very tense. And so I decided to just remain serious until we reached the altar, when I relaxed a bit.
As these memories came under my now completely different perception than before, I smiled. And that smile turned into a quiet and short laughter, which sincerely melted all tension in me during the meditation. I could feel that even my wrinkles melted! Can you notice when your smile is real and comes from the inside?
My meditation today was an active one, as I taught a yin yoga class to a friend, including meditation in the beginning, plus some time walking in the woods with my dog. How aware can you be when you walk, when you eat? How present can you be when you drive or when you listen to a friend?